mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
