She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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