I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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