why didn't you poke me back
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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