i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
