I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
