I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
