He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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