Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We need to get me chipped asap
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
