i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
