I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
