On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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