that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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