I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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