Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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