dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
