highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
