my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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