Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
