The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
