Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
