i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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