I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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