No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
