my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
