He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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