are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
