The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
