Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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