I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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