she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
