It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
