Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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