I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
