God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
