she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Michael Bay diarrhea
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
