Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The best revenge is premature balding
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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