yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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