sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
