How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
