Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
