I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
