Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
