threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
