the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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