Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
