I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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