last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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