i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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