when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
