I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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